This Blog Post: https://www.milliewrites.co.uk/blog/body-positivity
Instagram: @millie.writers
I think I’m pretty normal in saying that, post puberty, I have never been happy with the way I look. Always too much here, not enough there. Comparing myself constantly with the niche body types I saw on social media (@Instagram *cough*). Again, I’m very sure that I’m not alone in this.
Even as I write, I have a four week workout plan open on one of my tabs.
I am so focused on being better that I am never enough.
This isn’t a how to feel better about yourself post, because that is something that I am still very much working on myself and don’t feel qualified to give advice on. It’s not a self pity post either. This is an honest dialogue about my reality, a reality I feel a lot of people will be able to connect with.
Over lockdown, I’ve lost 5kgs. Big time yay. I’ve wanted to lose weight for ages, and lacked the immense amount of motivation and self-control required to do so. I am finally, finally taking those steps to achieve the body that I want.
It’s been revolutionary.
I’d say I was confident before. But now, my confidence is now manifesting itself in different, better ways. I’m trying on old clothes that I haven’t worn for ages, as well as buying more adventurous clothes. Rather than my previous mentality which went something along the lines of, ‘I look fit, now people will fancy me’ (it’s so grim to write, but everyone does it!) it’s now ‘I look fit, for me’. Tiny change in words, huge change in mindset.
My parents did a lot right for me in my life, but body image is where their influence has been the most destructive for me. My dad, in the most affectionate way possible, is a fitness nut. He values people based on their athleticism, which was really hard for me to come to terms with when I felt my sportier siblings received a lot more attention and care. (To put this into perspective, I played club and school hockey up to sixth form, and netball club, county, and school. We’re a sporty family).
My mum has had four children, and never lost the weight after my brother arrived. She wasn’t and isn’t happy with her weight, and always goes on diets etc. and I feel a lot of that projected onto me.
After puberty hit, I put on weight. Then I went on the pill (article on that debacle coming soon) which increased my appetite, blah, blah, blah. This weight that I’m talking about isn’t huge, I was just more on the chunky side, especially when compared to my friends. But my parents, well-meaning as they were/are, made me feel like I was overweight and somehow ‘at risk’ of developing health issues.
Going to uni also went a long way towards the weight - being exhausted all the time, wanting quick and easy food, and being surrounded with people whose bodies process food better and faster than mine (so I’d eat the same things, then put on weight). I’d come home for the holiday and just wait for either one of my parents to comment on my weight - and it wasn’t always to my face. “Gosh, Millie’s got big” was said to my siblings once. I didn’t feel different. I wasn’t any less me.
It always was and still is a point that makes me very angry and upset, because nobody should have to feel like their weight defines their worth.
The bodies that you see on Instagram are the exception, not the rule, and there is nothing worse than comparing yourself to a body type that isn’t realistic for you. E.g. I’ve always been on the curvier side, with big boobs (not as fun as they sound) and a big bum (jean shopping is a nightmare) and then our beauty standard suddenly becomes Gigi Hadid skinny, or it’s Kylie Jenner with a massive backside and a corseted waist. Historically, for example, being plumper has been considered attractive, because it meant you could afford to feed yourself well. Trying to keep up with current beauty standards is like trying to catch the wind. It’s exhausting and unfulfilling.
“Society is more comfortable with a thin unhealthy body than a larger healthy one” -The Nutrition Tea (would recommend this instagram if you’re looking for body positive accounts to follow)
My body fits under neither category. At the end of the day, I would rather feel beautiful in my own estimation than someone else’s.
Yet we still let these beauty standards consume us.
So I might have skinnied up over quarantine and toned and improved my fitness, but all of that means absolutely nothing if I don’t see myself in a positive light. I’ll still look in the mirror and think, well, my love handles could be smaller, my arms (don’t get me started) never seem to get any stronger or lose the chicken wing no matter what I do (tips, please?!).
This is a mentality that has clung to me throughout my teenage years, and it’s done enough damage.
One positive thing that’s been achieved by losing the weight is that I’ll look in the mirror and be pleased with what I see too. Although there’s room for improvement, there’s room for self-love, elusive as it seems.
What I’m trying to say is this: feeling comfortable and confident in your body is not about your body, it’s about your mind. Give yourself credit! In order to love yourself you are breaking down all these social preconceptions that have been around us since we were old enough to be sexualised / sexually aware. It’s not just women - shocker, men can and are insecure about their bodies too. You can be fat and insecure. You can be thin and insecure. Getting past that ingrained mindset that tells you that nothing is ever good enough, you can always be more beautiful / handsome / slim / curvy /muscled is very, very hard. I’m breaking down those feelings every day. I still feel ‘big’ some days. Some days I don’t.
I am so glad Instagram wasn’t really ‘a thing’ when I was in my early teenage years. Those years are the most formative, especially concerning our perception of ourselves. Social media is always going to be a huge part of life, and it’s a space where the beautiful thrive, idolised, adored and supported when you tap the like button, or leave a comment. Does putting that comment out there make us feel better about ourselves? I don’t think so. Maybe there’s a hidden dialogue that goes right back to yourself. Wow, you’re so beautiful. Wow, I’m not.
I don’t believe that it’s possible to escape this trap of comparison when you look at the glossed-up version of someone’s life - I know I do it constantly. It’s natural to feel envious of what you don’t have, and social media sells us on this materiality - get this body, get these clothes, get these items, get this life.
I often think that certain beliefs about what constitutes an attractive body are too well-ingrained in my mind to reverse. But we can teach children and that younger generation around us to normalise bodies. I want stretch marks on the cover of Vogue, I want models with scars, double chins, rolls, bodies that really reflect the bodies that are going to wear those clothes. If you’re providing clothing for a large market, how about acknowledging that no two bodies are the same when you advertise? Everyone has lumps and bumps and bits they don’t like. I don’t want to see emaciated, I want reality. The sooner this thinking actually takes off in the fashion industry, the better.
I said I wasn’t going to give advice, but I do know one thing: unfollow that account you can’t stop checking, or zooming in on their photos, or staring enviously at their selfies. The only person you need to compare yourself with is yesterday’s you compared to today’s. Block it if you have to. Right now, the internet is not ready to be a safe space for you. It hasn’t caught up with the fact that a lot of this generation seems to be ‘happy pictures, sad people’. The internet isn’t ready to provide us with reality, and there are lots of people who probably don’t want to see it. Who wants to look at spots, cellulite, imperfection? Maybe there’s a part of us that simply isn’t willing to acknowledge the fragility of this photoshopped ideal, to relinquish the hope that we too could look like that, if only…
I’ve included an impassioned caption written by Jameela Jamil responding to the Instagram video posted by Kim Kardashian showing off her corset for the Met Gala 2019.
via: @jameelajamilofficial — “I’ve received over 1000 DMs asking me to address this. The reason I didn’t jump on it immediately isn’t because I don’t think the post was damaging and disappointing. I do. It’s because the fact that you’re all messaging me about it, shows my work is done. I havent been trying to cancel Kim K. I was always trying to arm YOU with the knowledge to recognize for YOURSELVES that this is a bullsh*t expectation of women, developed by the patriarchy. If YOU know that it’s problematic, reductive and irresponsible for her to perpetuate such a heavily impossible beauty standard to her impressionable fans... then you’re empowered and conscious and don’t need me. Kim, like many of us, has had decades of body image issues and obsession. This has been HEAVILY perpetuated by how much the media scrutinized her and her sisters over their appearances. She isn’t actively trying to harm you. She’s just so harmed and deluded into thinking this is what SHE needs to look like to be special and beautiful and she’s spilling it out onto her following. Is this wrong? YES. But I’m not sure she realizes that she’s doing to others what her idols did to her, in making her think a tiny waist is the key to femininity and sex appeal. We grew up in the era of Heroin Chic, where we were told you HAD to look like an addict starving to death, so to go from that..to being bullied about your body by the world? This toxicity from someone who is smart and knows better, is a sign that this is harm she can’t stop doing. So there’s no point in screaming at her. The smart thing to do is to protect YOURSELF. YOU have the power. YOU control every Market. YOU choose what and who is trendy. Unfollow the people who tell you things that hurt your self esteem. Don’t let the debris of their damage spill out onto you. Unfollow people/brands that don’t make you feel powerful and happy and grateful for what you have. You’re the boss and none of them are sh*t without you. THE PATRIARCHY WANTS US TO FOCUS ON OUR WEIGHT INSTEAD OF POWER, EQUALITY AND PSYCHOLOGICAL FREEDOM. F*CK ANYONE WHO ENCOURAGES THIS. BLOCK. MUTE. DELETE. REPEAT.”
It’s a very shouty caption, but she has a message that needs to be heard. Producers only exist because of their consumers, and the consumer needs are for realistic bodies to be showcased and celebrated. We have the power for change.
Another point: sustained weightloss is not about a diet, it’s about a perpetuated lifestyle that eventually becomes the everyday. That’s why all the diets you see are working for less than 5% of people, those phantom success stories they sell you. The weightloss industry is, at the end of the day, a business, and it’s a business that profits off you feeling insecure.
I’m achieving my weight loss through calorie counting and calorie restriction with the MyFitnessPal app, because I know that when I’m restricting certain foods, I’m more likely to fail (through waiting for the diet to be over then eating what I want, restricting then binging etc.). This is personal, and I’m combining my knowledge of myself with that of my appetite and self-control. I enjoy looking good, and it makes me feel good. But more than ever, I’m realising the importance of working towards body positivity, working on your mindset first, as well as celebrating that everyone is different and everyone has stretch marks, scars, , pores, cellulite, everyone sweats and looks ugly when they work out (see previous blog post), everyone has different sizes of everything. Why did we ever convince ourselves otherwise? Your mind should always be number one. And not every day is going to be a success story, not every day is going to be a good one. We. Are. Human. The sooner we start accepting and encouraging that in ourselves and each other, the better.